“If I try to fail and succeed, which have I done?” – anonymous
I use the above quote with my college students in an attempt to challenge them to look at life, from a different perspective. In challenging our perspectives, and even our definitions, I am not merely playing semantics as I firmly believe that words actually do hold meaning. If you aren’t sure about the validity of that statement, think of the last time someone’s words either caused you joy or caused you pain. Words do have the power to affect our emotions, therefore, by challenging ourselves to look at our own definitions from a new perspective has the ability to change how we feel.
How I define success, or how success is defined for me, influences how I feel about myself. Many of us have culturally learned that success is defined by tangible goods and/or wealth. We hear expressions such as “If I have more things than someone else, I am successful”; or, “if I have a title or initials after my name, I am successful”. These cultural statements aside, I hope that people who have worked hard to accomplish what they feel is a level of success take pride in themselves. Yet, the question remains, does someone else’s level of success negate, or take away from, my perceived level of success? In other words, is one’s success defined in relation to another’s accomplishments?
For example, a person who works hard and deservedly obtains the position of CEO is perceived as reaching success in life. While another person who works hard, and is known to be the best plumber in town, although an employee of the company, not owner or partner, would we agree that that person also has attained success? What about the trash collector who strives to be the best collector there is; have they attained success? If we will agree that the people in these examples have attained success, would we also agree that each of them is equally as successful? I say “yes!”
So why is it that many of us, although accomplished in what we do, continue to feel less successful than the person holding a higher position or making more money? I believe that one answer is due to our drive to challenge ourselves and to strive for excellence. These motives and qualities are positive, yet at the same time, they also perpetuate a self-told narrative that others are always better than I. Does this mean we shouldn’t strive for betterment? Of course we should strive to better ourselves, but not at the cost of sacrificing our core being or inner peace.
A quote attributed to the Catholic priest Fr. Joseph Martin (co-founder of Father Martin’s Ashley, now named Ashley Addiction Treatment) states “the good is the enemy of the best “. Striving to grow, mature and gain wisdom leads us to feelings of accomplishment and possibly even success. But that depends on our definition of success; ah I have just taken us back to the beginning of this article, yet not any closer to an answer than when you first started reading.
Is there a definitive definition of success? Can we objectively apply one definition to everyone, or are we left with a subjective understanding of the concept of success? Personally, I believe it’s the latter. If the definition is subjective, then how I define success for my own life is based partly on my perspective about my life. Therefore, I suggest that each of us change our perspective from one based on societal objectivity of the definition of success with its comparison to others, to a perspective wherein we strive to obtain success which includes inner peace, happiness and self worth.
Making this perspective shift requires us to look within ourselves to examine our motives for wanting to better ourselves and attain success. As mentioned above, the desire toward betterment is a positive notion and goal, yet it depends on my motivation. We need to ask ourselves “Why do I desire to be better?” Why do I strive for success, and how will I know success when I achieve it?” If my motivation toward betterment and success is based solely on the belief of “beating everyone else”, then I may be willing to compromise my core being and values to achieve that height of success, or else I may view myself as a failure. In this scenario, one’s success comes at a price. The idea of seeking betterment is not the issue; the motivation guiding you is what, in the end, causes one to gain everything, yet continue to feel empty and restless.
How can I change my motivation and perspective about success so that I may attain the best I can be and feel inner peace?
- Meditate: Take time each day, even just 10 or 20 minutes, and meditate. Either find a quiet location, or take a walk; whichever helps you best to focus. Now, focus on your breathing, not trying to control your breaths, just noticing them. Be aware of the air entering and the air leaving. Be aware of what you are feeling. Don’t judge the feeling, just notice it. Practice this daily and over time you notice that not only is the act of meditating becoming easier, but you yourself are feeling more at peace.
- Examine: Take time to reflect on what success means to you. Don’t judge your definition, simply define it. How does the definition make you feel? Does your definition match your core self and values? If not, ask yourself what you will need to change so as to create a match? Keep in mind that sacrificing who you are for temporal gain will not, in the long term, bring you to a state of inner peace.
- Confer: Take time to meet with family or close friends whom you trust to discuss your thoughts and feelings from numbers 1 and 2 above. Listen, without judgement, to their feedback. The next time you meditate, reflect on the feedback and your feelings concerning what you heard.
- Act: A saying I often repeat is “there are no problems, only solutions”. I don’t know who first said it, but it’s meaning motivates me to reframe my thinking and change my perspective from “problem-oriented” to “solution-oriented”. Creating a deep belief that solutions are possible, we will reach for success while maintaining a sense of inner peace.